First Week of the Homemaker's Challenge Overview

*Sigh*
So the first week is over for the homemaker's challenge and I've not completed all of the challenges. My severe depression leads to procrastination and it keeps getting in the way of me doing A LOT of things. I'm still working on my mission statement, but once it's completed, it will be formatted and then placed on the fridge for my husband and me to see. Although I only got one Martha challenge completed--cleaning and scrubbing the inside of the fridge and freezer--it does make me feel good to know that it's done and MUCH better looking and neatly organized.

On Day 3, the quote, "Our homes reflect our mental/spiritual/emotional health" really hit home within me. Contrary to what my husband has seen of my cleaning, I am a neat freak. The apartment not being clean causes me to feel stressed (and many other negative emotions), yet I do nothing about it, because any time I start cleaning I end up frustrated midway through and quit or my back ends up causing me problems. Reading that statement, just reminded me that I really need to get help with my depression, but I don't know where to start, especially since I'm unemployed and have no insurance. Not only has my depression caused me to procrastinate, it has sapped almost all of my energy and motivation not just for cleaning, but for exercise and other things as well. I am hoping that as I continue to read 31 Days to Clean, that I will regain some of that motivation and be able to have a clean home for my husband and myself; I also hope I'll finally get back to exercising.

Here are a couple of before and after pictures of our fridge...

Oy!

I'm so terrible. I know I promised to write more of "Our Story" (I started the next part of it back on February 22nd!! Geez.) or my punishment would be watching 12 Monkeys again, but I just can't do it--watch that movie again that is.
I am going to join a homemaker's challenge with the e-book, 31 Days to Clean--Having a Martha House the Mary Way. It goes from May 1st thru the 31st (for obvious reasons) and the disaster that is our apartment could really use a cleaning. I hope it helps to get this place clean, because when we move in the next few months I want to be able to pack and it all be organized and not like the chaotic mess that I did, when I first packed and moved out of my dad's place.
Oh! I took off the comment moderation junk, because it never told me when I had one to add and then after I finally add it to the post, then this stupid thing e-mails me that I have a new comment! PFT! What's the point then?
I want your opinion--is the font size on my blog okay or do you think I need it larger? Sorry just a random thing I was wondering about, when I just did a preview of this entry.

Ooops...

To my two loyal readers:
I am terribly sorry I have not posted in so very long. I've started and stopped so many times on trying to go forward with "Our Story," but I'm just stuck. I promise by the end of this week that I will have the next portion posted and if I don't, then my 2nd reader (my husband) can torture me by making me watch 12 Monkeys again.

An update about life--we've been playing the wii A LOT. I've decided to rededicate myself to SparkPeople and focus on getting healthier again (the 1st made a year since I joined and I'm still the same pathetic weight, grrr!). Went and came back from WV and boy was I happy to come back home (here not there)! My depression has gotten quite a bit worse, largely due to my back and the pain it causes me (<-----see the picture for what my spine looks like in x-ray form, if I were to be standing in front of you having a conversation with you). [FYI--I have scoliosis and at the age of 13, I had to have surgery to fuse my spine with rods, wires, screws, hooks, etc. to prevent the curve from getting worse and crushing my one lung and heart (yes, I only have 1 lung). The bottom didn't fuse correctly and nine months later, they had to extend the rods all the way down, thus completely removing any amount of bending my spine had left. My lack of flexibility and inability to bend has really been getting to me, especially when I have no medicine for the excruciating pain. Please don't take your health for granted.] Still unemployed =( and looking for a job. Sadly found a great job with the Shriners in Lexington, KY (the exact hospital that did my spinal surgery), but found it just a few days too late and they were no longer accepting applications; I cannot begin to express how saddened that made me and still does. I've dreamed of working at that hospital, since I was child.

On a positive note, my husband and I have been enjoying time together playing games and nerding out to them and our books we've been reading. My nose is currently in 7 different books and I believe that might be the most I've been reading at one time. Okay, ending this and going to play some Super Mario Bros. (Mario has ruled my nerdy gamer girl heart, since we first met). *hehe!*

A Beginning Before Our Beginning

During my freshman year of college, in the fall semester, I had an hour between classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday; I would sit outside on a bench and watch people and read. For some reason this memory has always stuck with me...

I'm sitting on my concrete bench, as usual, and it's a very cold day, but I prefer sit out in the cold, alone, because I don't do well with trying to make small talk to the strangers inside. I believe I had my pocket Bible with me that day and was reading. I watch the people hurry to and from their classes--enjoying that last inhale of a cigarette, before heading inside, fumbling to find their keys and rushing off to their cars.
For some strange reason this one soul catches my eye. He is bundled up tightly, in his strange tan coat that comes down to right below his knees and the winter hat that sits upon his head. I feel sorry for him, because he looks kinda dorky and out of place, just like I feel I am. I watch him walk up the steps and he keeps his face down--is it to protect it from the cold or is he afraid he's going to fall, if he doesn't focus on the ground. Geez, he looks so ridiculous and weird with the way he keeps staring down in front of him.

To be continued...

If only I knew then the plans God had for me and the boy in the strange tan coat, I don't know if I would have believed them and just think there are more plans to come that I don't even know yet!

Home

As I was reading an article on (in)courage, there was a quote I really liked. I started writing it down when out of no where, I was suddenly hit with this sad and depressing feeling.

Here's the specific quote: "...home is much more than four walls and a familiar neighborhood. Home is the God who understands each of the unique languages, thoughts, hopes and dreams of our individual hearts. Nothing can separate us from His love. Not time zones or cultures or the things we wish we could change about ourselves." [emphasis the author's]

So as I'm writing this down, I feel this deep pain in my heart, because I haven't felt like I had a "home" since I was 9 years old or so. My childhood "home" quit being a "home" when I realized my parents' marriage was not happy, how selfish my dad was (and still is), and I guess just how human my parents really were--when they stop being able to do everything and you realize they're not as amazing as you thought as a kid and they are two ordinary people trying to survive. My mom wanted to leave and divorce my dad (she finally left him in 2007 and the divorce was finalized in 2008), but wouldn't because anytime she mentioned it to my brother and me, my brother always asked, "But what about daddy?" I don't think he realized or knew just how miserable our mom was; I'm not sure if even now he has any idea or clue. I was always the one to say, "Let's Go!" or "Where do you want to go?" I was just as miserable in that house, city, and area. That's part of the reason why it's so hard to go back, when we have to make trips for holidays or birthdays. Even now, as a married woman (I still don't feel like I'm qualified to be an adult, even though I'm 26.) I still feel weird referring to anywhere as home. Anytime I refer to our apartment as "home," I get this slight twinge of pain in my heart and feel like I need to correct myself, because this isn't home either. I don't know if I'll ever have the home my heart desires, while I'm on earth, but I do look forward to going home to my Heavenly Father and feeling His warm embrace.

Background, Illustrator, & Spirals...

Right now I'm feeling like such an idiot! I'm working on making my own background using Illustrator. Ok, so last night, I'm searching through all of these blog backgrounds, etc. trying to find something I like, well I come across the current one, but I don't like the diamonds (ETA--it was a border of actual diamonds) down the side. I decided why can't I make my own then, so I found instructions and went to it. I want (for now anyway) to have spirals/swirls, so I try select just the spiral from the background (in Illustrator) and end up with one of the dots, so then I'm trying to get rid of the dot, etc. Essentially wasting A LOT of time and energy trying to do something that you can do *simply* with the line segment tool, which I didn't realize until today. Geeze. Anyway, let's hope this works out the way I want/hope.

P.S.--Happy Valentine's Day!

ETA (2-11-11): As you can see, I never made my own background. It never worked the way I wanted/hoped.

A New Start...

So I'm going to try this again. I don't really have anything important to say, because my life mostly consists of staying in the apartment and occasionally going grocery shopping. The boy is constantly busy with Math grad school stuff, so I just try to occupy myself with books, the Bible, or the internet. A lot of the internet. *sigh*
We'll be heading back to WV for Thanksgiving--excitement and stress all wrapped up nicely with a bow. Then back here to IL for a few more weeks and back to WV for Christmas. That's a lot of driving, I'll have to make sure to get some good tunes. I doubt anyone will read this, but if so, leave me a comment. :)